The neighbours probably wouldn't mind if I strolled down them, long as they are; one leading to an uninhabited yard, the other to a yard where the owners aren't often home.
Still, I don't go. I'd ask permission first, and the owners would be put on the spot (what could they say but Yes, sure! Why not! even if they'd rather I didn't). So I walk on by.
You need to ask for what you want. Ask and ye shall receive; it's usually true. But people will often say yes or give you what you want when it's not really what they want, and, contrary to popular opinion, that's not their problem. It's mine, too; discomfort and/or resentment affect future relations, and I don't want to get my way at the expense of someone else.
The difficult part is being sensitive enough to be aware that asking for something, and the way we ask for it, and when, and where, may be putting someone on the spot, and figuring out how to ask (if at all) in such a way that the person can say no without losing face/ appearing unkind/ungenerous, etc.
It is difficult to say no.
"Will you look after my child?"
No.
"Can I bring my dog to your house?"
No.
"Will you speak at my wedding? Parent's funeral?"
No.
"Would you help me with ... ?"
No.
I'd like to think it gets easier, the more often you say it. But it doesn't, really. And we, the askers, would do well to consider that before we make our requests, and come up with ways of asking that leave the person with a respectable and even comfortable out.
Kate, we own property where "people aren't home often" and quite frankly, I am happy that someone I know walks by. We live where most of the buildings are unoccupied, and most of the neighbours are enthusiastic about the idea of having us go for walks past their properties. For us it is an "eyes on the street" sort of thing.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it is crucial to leave a respectable and even comfortable out when asking people for "things". I usually ask them "will that work out for you?", phrased as a concern, which allows an easy yes or no answer. I never ever press for a why if the answer is that it doesn't work for them.
There are ways to ask for things, and there are ways not to! One that I like is to tell someone about a problem or concern, and then they can offer (or not) a solution, or to help. This doesn't put them in a position of having to say no. They may feel uncomfortable if they are obviously not stepping up to the plate, unfortunately, but this is the best I know how to do to be respectful and NOT put someone on the spot.
DeleteI find it almost impossible to say "no", but I remind myself that I know the consequences.
ReplyDeleteOne WANTS to help and please others; saying "No" goes hard against that inclination. I weigh it against being true to deeper, more real needs (like honest desire, self-respect and self-preservation, etc.) ... and often, I think, come out looking selfish or blunt and ungracious.
DeleteKate:
ReplyDeleteI live in an area where there are 250+ homes and only about 85+ fulltime residents. Most the homes are tucked waaaaaay back out of sight. My home isn’t visible even in the winter at the height of forest nakedness. I’ve been so tempted to wander down driveways for a peek – it’s a beautiful area with lots of bluff views. My home is tucked in the woods – just as I like it, but I would enjoy doing a tad bit of snooping. As Maggie observed, I don’t think anyone would mind, but yet I hesitate.
Regarding the difficulty of saying *no*, these days it’s not a problem for me. Quite frankly I’m glad it’s easy for me to say *no* though I’m none too thrilled with the reason. It’s all a bit messy to explain, but there are times I would dearly love to say *yes* but can’t. Life’s lens is different as it draws to an end, grows dim. One's views on issues become less complicated. It's an unexpected luxury.
It does seem that as we get older (I'm 56) it becomes easier to say No and be less concerned about disappointing others or incurring their disapproval. At least, whether it's comfortable or not, we do what we choose. I figure if, by the time we're my age, we don't have the ovaries to do what we want instead of what others expect or wish, we might as well have stayed a child. I assume that becoming thicker-skinned will be (is) a benefit of getting older.
DeleteGetting older gets a bad rap. I'm hoping there are a lot of benefits we aren't hearing about!